It is official – my daughter turned one year old recently and both of us have accomplished a major milestone. Her first year of life was my first year of motherhood. I am amazed at her growth and development over these past fourteen months as well as my own maturing. I had a vision of what the first year of parenthood might look like, however, my thoughts did not fully capture reality. There is so much that goes into being a mother – things that are well known, such as changing diapers, and things that are hidden, such as the stress a baby puts on your relationship with your partner. Now that we have hit this milestone, I reflect on the lessons I have learned thus far.

Identity Change

              I will always treasure the memory of when the nurse placed my daughter in my arms and I laid her on my chest. She was tiny, fragile and innocent. I felt a surge of gratitude as I held and nursed my daughter for the first time. Even while beholding my daughter, I felt a sense of disbelief. Am I really someone’s mother? Am I this little girl’s mother? This continued when the three of us left the hospital the next day. Are they letting me take her home? I have never done this before and I am not sure what I am doing.

              The newness of referring to my child as “daughter” when coordinating between the hospital and my job to get her on my benefits. The strangeness of dreaming and having no recollection of having a child in waking life. Or the divergence of not having my exact same child in a dream, and waking up to understand that identity transitions take time. They do not occur overnight when you have spent decades being a daughter and only months being a mother.

Seeing the World through My Daughter’s Eyes

              Children amaze me. I have loved children since I was a child, but having a child of my own has led to a deeper appreciation of children. I always knew babies were smart but this year I witnessed how quickly babies learn. Mostly, I learned so much from my daughter.

              When she was a newborn, she began teaching me perseverance through difficulties as she tried to gain muscle strength and control of her neck. She started out hating tummy time but grew to enjoy lying on her stomach and seeing a different view of the world, as opposed to being on her back. She demonstrated the importance of stretching and exercise. My goodness, this baby stretched multiple times per day during the first months of her life. I remember, my mom and I stretched along with her after receiving the impetus from her.

              Along those same lines, she began exercises and doing yoga poses to strengthen her arms and legs as she struggled to flip over and crawl for the first time. The floors in our home are hard and cold, and my daughter adeptly accommodated to those conditions by developing a combination of a scoot and a crawl to move around. During this phase, I felt motivated to move my body not just in ways that felt good but in ways that also challenged me. When I ran into a roadblock, I recall how my little girl figures out an alternative and I smile and do the same thing.

My daughter takes time to notice the small, often overlooked things in life. She delights in simple pleasures such as feeling the grass between her fingers (when was the last time you picked up a handful of grass?), pointing to objects she recognizes, holding discarded fruit from a tree, touching a flower, and engaging her taste buds when sampling a new food. This reminds me to stop and sense the mundane but sweet things about my day.

My child forgives quickly, is always ready to offer a smile, and has a beautiful curiosity about life. Oftentimes, adults label curiosity in babies as “nosy” or “chismosa” but they fail to take the time to see things through the baby’s eyes. This child has never been here before which evokes observation and inquisitiveness. After hearing family label my daughter with different adjectives, I paused and reflected on when I have done the same and how I might do that to people I interact with socially or professionally. I love the joyfulness of my child’s spirit. She is teaching me to let things go and smile when I feel wronged or slighted. This has not been an easy lesson for me to apply to my life and I am still working on it.

My daughter celebrates herself. She claps for herself when she feels proud. I hope she never loses the bliss nor the significance of celebrating herself. I want her to savor her accomplishments and celebrate her small and big wins. Even if it’s just internally, I want her to know that she is important and what she does matters. Seeing her pure glee has made me recognize I could use this more in my life. I have learned that I have got to treat myself more tenderly, like a baby.

This year has taught me to slow down. I was initially frustrated by this. I felt stuck at home and tethered to my child as a feeding machine. Now I embrace my slow era and remind myself to pour into myself. When I feel hungry, eat. If I need to use the restroom, go. I often override these needs to tend to my family. I’ll wait get dinner started or put a load of clothes on before taking care of my fundamental needs. It takes a conscious effort to remember to stop or pause what I am doing and take care of myself. However, I know those few minutes to handle my needs ultimately means I can better provide for my family because I will serve them joyfully rather than with resentment or out of fatigue.

The Relationship with My Husband

              Gosh, nothing prepares you for how your relationship with your partner changes after giving birth. Whereas, I marveled in the bond I witnessed my husband forming with our infant. I yearned for the days when it was just me and him. When we could walk or hike, go out to eat and veg out over anime shows. I missed deciding to do something on a whim and being able to do it with him. I missed our physical connection. I missed being able to set my own schedule, rather than have my schedule revolve around the needs of a small baby. I felt irritation and occasional rage during the sleep deprived first month. I feared not producing sufficient milk for our daughter. (The stress I felt surrounding breastfeeding will have to be documented in another blog post.😅) As our daughter grew bigger, I would get mad if he did not wash her bottles in the separate dishpan I bought. I did not like him or family giving her sweets or other non-nutritious foods to eat. I sometimes worried that he played with her too roughly. The bulk of my negative emotions were squarely aimed at my husband who generously accepted them. Once, I quietly and angrily cried in the backseat while he was driving us somewhere. He noticed and plainly told me: “You need a nap.” Boy did that nap improve my mood! Haha. 

              I needed my husband to conceive this child, be with me through labor and I need him to rear this child. The lesson I learned is we are in this together. We are on the same team and want the best for our child even if we go about achieving that in different ways. My husband can make our daughter laugh like no one else. She laughs and squeals with pleasure when her daddy plays with her. I had to recognize that mothers and fathers are intended to have different relationships with their children. We offer them different gifts and they need everything we have to offer to grow into well-rounded adults.

              This has been a big year of learning and wonder for us. I trust that my child will continue to teach me lessons as she grows older. I pray I am humble enough to receive them. Today I wish all the mothers and mother figures, a Happy Mother’s Day! Motherhood is a journey filled with challenges, joys, sorrows and surprises. We are on this ride together. Today, let us celebrate and enjoy ourselves.